Failure of nerve, or of constitution
Aug. 27th, 2004 02:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bktheirregularNot the US constitution (yet, anyway), but my own personal constitution. This week - again - I'm finding that the whole struggle on every front of my life - career, family, civic duty - is making me sick. As in, struggling not to throw up, or run screaming for the hills.
Part of what hurts? I take calls, every day now, from people who are disgusted that things aren't going the way they want them to. I figure I'm just lucky that I haven't gotten too many calls from people who classify me as a Commie Mutant Traitor (to borrow the accusation from Paranoia; anyone remember that game?)
Add to that the continuing frustration of the job hunt, and the reminders from family that our circumstances are getting worse, not better, and that I'm more and more a drain on the family - even as they acknowledge that I'm trying - and a worry that in addition to the stagnation and slow disintegration of my life, I'm watching the stagnation and rapid disintegration of my country - and everything I try and do isn't enough.
Has anyone ever heard this? Come on, show of hands.
If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything.
It's a lie. It's a vicious, self-serving, goddamned lie. It leaves in its wake the message that if you didn't accomplish it, you didn't want it enough. Even when the world's stacked against you, even when there are people working actively to destroy everything you believe in.
That's what my world looks like today. The office I keep calling "Save the World Inc."? Maybe it's too late. Maybe the world's past saving.
When it's all said and done, what do you do when you've gone past the point of no return?
Part of what hurts? I take calls, every day now, from people who are disgusted that things aren't going the way they want them to. I figure I'm just lucky that I haven't gotten too many calls from people who classify me as a Commie Mutant Traitor (to borrow the accusation from Paranoia; anyone remember that game?)
Add to that the continuing frustration of the job hunt, and the reminders from family that our circumstances are getting worse, not better, and that I'm more and more a drain on the family - even as they acknowledge that I'm trying - and a worry that in addition to the stagnation and slow disintegration of my life, I'm watching the stagnation and rapid disintegration of my country - and everything I try and do isn't enough.
Has anyone ever heard this? Come on, show of hands.
If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything.
It's a lie. It's a vicious, self-serving, goddamned lie. It leaves in its wake the message that if you didn't accomplish it, you didn't want it enough. Even when the world's stacked against you, even when there are people working actively to destroy everything you believe in.
That's what my world looks like today. The office I keep calling "Save the World Inc."? Maybe it's too late. Maybe the world's past saving.
When it's all said and done, what do you do when you've gone past the point of no return?
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no subject
Date: 2004-08-27 12:35 pm (UTC)I wish I could think of something to say to make you feel better. And I totally agree with you on If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything. Man, that's like the rallying cry of people who have never faced true adversity.