Failure of nerve, or of constitution
Aug. 27th, 2004 02:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bktheirregularNot the US constitution (yet, anyway), but my own personal constitution. This week - again - I'm finding that the whole struggle on every front of my life - career, family, civic duty - is making me sick. As in, struggling not to throw up, or run screaming for the hills.
Part of what hurts? I take calls, every day now, from people who are disgusted that things aren't going the way they want them to. I figure I'm just lucky that I haven't gotten too many calls from people who classify me as a Commie Mutant Traitor (to borrow the accusation from Paranoia; anyone remember that game?)
Add to that the continuing frustration of the job hunt, and the reminders from family that our circumstances are getting worse, not better, and that I'm more and more a drain on the family - even as they acknowledge that I'm trying - and a worry that in addition to the stagnation and slow disintegration of my life, I'm watching the stagnation and rapid disintegration of my country - and everything I try and do isn't enough.
Has anyone ever heard this? Come on, show of hands.
If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything.
It's a lie. It's a vicious, self-serving, goddamned lie. It leaves in its wake the message that if you didn't accomplish it, you didn't want it enough. Even when the world's stacked against you, even when there are people working actively to destroy everything you believe in.
That's what my world looks like today. The office I keep calling "Save the World Inc."? Maybe it's too late. Maybe the world's past saving.
When it's all said and done, what do you do when you've gone past the point of no return?
Part of what hurts? I take calls, every day now, from people who are disgusted that things aren't going the way they want them to. I figure I'm just lucky that I haven't gotten too many calls from people who classify me as a Commie Mutant Traitor (to borrow the accusation from Paranoia; anyone remember that game?)
Add to that the continuing frustration of the job hunt, and the reminders from family that our circumstances are getting worse, not better, and that I'm more and more a drain on the family - even as they acknowledge that I'm trying - and a worry that in addition to the stagnation and slow disintegration of my life, I'm watching the stagnation and rapid disintegration of my country - and everything I try and do isn't enough.
Has anyone ever heard this? Come on, show of hands.
If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything.
It's a lie. It's a vicious, self-serving, goddamned lie. It leaves in its wake the message that if you didn't accomplish it, you didn't want it enough. Even when the world's stacked against you, even when there are people working actively to destroy everything you believe in.
That's what my world looks like today. The office I keep calling "Save the World Inc."? Maybe it's too late. Maybe the world's past saving.
When it's all said and done, what do you do when you've gone past the point of no return?
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no subject
Date: 2004-08-27 11:38 am (UTC)The country isn't your fault, babe -- you're one of the ones trying to make it better. One of these days, you and everyone else will succeed. It's just not going to be today. Which sucks, I know. But giving up gives all the bastards a license to do whatever they want, and you're so much better than they are. hugs
no subject
Date: 2004-08-27 12:09 pm (UTC)May end up just taking a vacation from newspapers and news shows and blogs next week, and burying myself in a world less real and maybe more hopeful...
no subject
Date: 2004-08-27 12:35 pm (UTC)I wish I could think of something to say to make you feel better. And I totally agree with you on If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything. Man, that's like the rallying cry of people who have never faced true adversity.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-27 02:43 pm (UTC)It's a lie. It's a vicious, self-serving, goddamned lie. It leaves in its wake the message that if you didn't accomplish it, you didn't want it enough. Even when the world's stacked against you, even when there are people working actively to destroy everything you believe in.
Oh, sweetie. *hugs!*
Believe me, I understand. [My mom always sincerely believed, and often told me, "You can do anything!" -- which is less inspirational and more depressing when it turns into "It didn't work? O.K., let's see if we can find out what _you_ did wrong then?"]
It's not true, of course. You can only try as hard as you can -- and if you're over-matched you're over-matched; it's not your fault. *hugs*
But I don't think we're beyond saving as a country, and I don't think any of us sinking financially are lost either. We've just got to hang in there until we can get rid of Bush and his cronies... and until saner, more grounded people can repair some of the damage.
Not easy, but doable. *hugs* Waiting is the hardest, and you're doing even more by actively fighting. I wish I had more to say to help, but all we can do is hang in there. :-/
no subject
Date: 2004-08-30 06:40 am (UTC)While it's probably true that 'you can accomplish anything' is overstated...you can't accomplish anything if you don't try. I know that sounds like I got it from a fortune cookie; but, it makes sense.
Parience is a virtue, it's overrated, but it is a virtue and depression has no upside.
Remind me not to get too freaking philosophical and trite here.
Keep trying, you'll pobably get surprised somewhere along the way.